Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
Them: You want some Lucky Harms?
Me: What are Lucky Harms?
Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.
She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.
What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?
A blender.
What does Frosty the snowman eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Why couldn't Helen Keller eat her Big Mac?
She was too busy trying to read the sesame seeds.
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
So, Johnny was working at a deli. A woman walks up and asks, "Do you have any salad?" Johnny says, "No." She asks, "What about carrots?" Again, Johnny says, "No." She says, "What about bananas?" Johnny says, "Tell ya what, spell out 'lad' in salad." She spells, "L A D." Johnny replies, "Spell 'rot' in carrot." She spells, "R O T." Johnny says, "Now spell 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." She says, "There is no 'fuck' in vegetables or fruits." Johnny exclaims, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"
What did the nut chasing the other nut say? "I'mma cashew!"
Why do orphans have water in their cereal?
Because their dad never came home with the milk.
What do you call it when you baptize a Mexican? Bean dip!
Why do people in Alabama like eating sandwiches? They like things in bread.
Why did the tamale go to the hospital?
Tamalito.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
What do Hostess Twinkies and the cock of a gay man have in common?
🐓 🐓 🐓 🐓 🐓 🐓 🍦 🍦 🍦 🍦 🍦 🍦 🍨 🍨 🍨 🍨
Did you know that McDonald's made a Michael Jackson burger? It’s a 50-year-old piece of meat in a 12-year-old bun.
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?
Breakfast in bed!
Your mama so stupid, she brought a spoon to the Super Bowl.
