Food jokes
Name a nut. You because are nuts.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Coca-Cola!
Why didn’t the grape 🍇 leave her family?
Because she loved raisin' kids!
Q: What's the best part about working at an abortion clinic?
A: You don't have to buy dog food.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
How does a train eat?
It goes, "chew chew."
A nut told me to eat him, so I did, but something weird happened. I turned into a nut, and when I poop, there were eggs there.
Why did the North Tower want chocolate ice cream?
Because he didn't want plane.
What do Africans eat for breakfast?
E-bola Cornflakes.
What site does a vegetable go to when he/she is stressed?
cornhub.com
Guys, you need to ketchup with the time.
What is the difference between a puppy and a fork?
I don’t microwave forks.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
"Welcome to Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic, where last week's loss is this week's sauce."
What does Frosty the snowman eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What do you call a fat Chinese person that talks way too much? Panda Express.
Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?
"Because his dad never brought the milk."
Three men are working on a building site.
Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
"By god," the man exclaims, "I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and every day, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself."
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
"Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Every day, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself."
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
"I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself."
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
"If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches," says the first man’s wife, "I always thought he was being ironic!"
"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches," says the second man’s wife, "I always thought he was being sarcastic!"
"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches," says the third man’s wife, "but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!"
What did the grape say when the Meerkat stepped on it?
It said nothing, just let out a little wine.
Three friends were stuck in the desert. They were struggling and trying to find food when they found a magical lamp. They rubbed it and out came a genie, and the genie says, "Each of you friends get to have one wish." So the first friend said, "I wish to go home," same as the second one. The third friend said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were with me!"