I have said a ton of jokes in my lifetime.
But I got fired from that job.
Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?
LEGO Ninjago - I like it, okay?
Which of the ninja would be best for an undercover mission as the person in disguise?
Kai. He just has to leave his hair down and no one would know it was him. He uses hair gel, as Cole has said a couple times I think, because his hair looks like fire 🔥!
I got fired from the library in the first 30 minutes because I "womens rights" in the sci-fi fiction section.
A Catholic school is burning down. One of the priests says, "Save the children, save them!" Another priest says, "F*ck the children, we're gonna die!!" The last priest is like, "Hmmm... do we have time?"
"I put the tin foil in the microwave, ma!"
Breaking News! A plane crashes into a bridge.
I was camping with my buddy, and there was a fire. We were roasting marshmallows, and there was a vine. I tripped on it and went penis first into the fire, and I said, "Well, there goes your children, stupid ass!"
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot Wheels.
How do you get 500 drunk TTC people out? "Ah, on fire, a warning shot." "Uhhh sir, it's a M92 mortar." "Ah, just fire the shot!" Please get out before you get triggered from the pool and you have no clothes showing your nono parts. Oh wait, please get out of the pool drunk people. Potato, potatoes, fire ze shot.
Random person: Minecraft is actually more peaceful than real life.
Me: Well, screw life. Maybe if I light a fire on myself, I will go to Minecraft (my excuse for suicide).
How can you light up a candle in a ship which does not contain any instrument and you are alone with just a packet of candles?
Answer: Just throw one candle in the sea; the boat will become lighter.
Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.
There was a kid in a wheelchair. I put him on fire and called him Hot Wheels.
Why is black mystery not an Airheads flavor? Because we already know what happened to them. *shot fires*
Roses are red, my pencil is blunt.
A parrot trapped on a roof keeps telling the fire crew to f*ck off!
Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?
My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).
If you ever get chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that.
Stephen Hawking was in a house fire. When he got out, people called him "Hot Wheels."
This whole string is really messed up. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves. I just heard the audio recording of the crash and it said, "HE'S ON FIRE! BOOM SHAKALAKA!"
