Fire jokes
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets." "Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo." "Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three." "Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant." "Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." "What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
What do you call a redneck on fire?
A fire cracker.
My penis is on fire.
Breaking News! A plane crashes into a bridge.
What's the difference between a skeleton and a baby? I don't set the skeleton on fire.
What's the difference between me and a bus?
I'm not on fire...
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
Yo mama is so stupid that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
A fire broke out at the circus, it was intense.
What do you call a burning church?
Holy smokes.
What's so special about bullets?
They do work after they are fired.
A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
Q: Why did the Queer get fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"
Chimmy: (smoking because of fireplace)
Chimmy2: You're too young to smoke.
So my friend and I went camping at a Cold Lake Campground and he jumped into it without any warning, and so I asked him, "Wat-er you doing?"
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"