Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He got the gas bill.
Marriage is like buying a car. You see one that you like and then you buy it. But over the years, it gets older, rusty, and certain parts stop working.
Then you walk into a dealership and look at all the new ones and you're still stuck with the old one. You look over and go, "But I just wanna sit in it. Just once. It's even got leather interior, it's chrome, it doesn't even have oil or gas leaks! And it doesn't squeak!"
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."
Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”
Wife: “ok... what is it?”
Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”
Inflation is so bad, McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
Banker: I have the right to take your money!
Me: Check my name.
Banker: Robin D. Bank, why?
Banker: *realizes*
Me: 😈🖐️ Gimme, gimme.
A duck walks into a bar and buys everyone a round. He tells the bartender, “Put it on my bill.”
Your so broke your mom can't afford your daddy.
If you buy a Renault Megane, all your girls will be gone.
I can make a living with the "Treat Yo self" budget.
Yet I can’t use the "Help yo self" budget.
What is the difference between paying $50.00 to receive an anonymous blow job from a physically challenged gay white male who is also a sex worker at a glory hole and paying $175.00 to receive an anonymous blow job from an able-bodied bisexual white female who is also a sex worker at a glory hole?
If you give $50.00 to receive an anonymous blow job from a physically challenged gay white male who is also a sex worker at a glory hole you are saving yourself $125.00. 💸😁
One day I was very happy. I managed to win the lottery and receive a free vacation trip to Saudi Arabia!
Everything was going well until suddenly the FRAUD appeared! It was him, PRISTIANO PENALDO! He dived toward me and grabbed my lottery ticket. I asked him why he is doing this, only for him to reply "I need trip to Saudi Arabia to statpad the PENS!" as he dived back through my window.
Shame on you for stealing my vacation and ruining my day! You are no longer my Idol Pristianooooo!
My friend lives in a caravan park. His parents named him Money because they thought it was a type of currency.
You're so poor, you only got 2 jokes.
They call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me poor and ugly.
Why do egos like robbing banks?
They get a cut.
What's the similarity between your money and your life?
It just keeps going down.
Yo mama's so poor that she only watches Frozen to hear Elsa sing "Let It Go."
Yo mama so rich the Socs got jealous.
