Why do orphans never get a car?
Because their parents need to buy them one.
A father bought his depressed son a new house, and then pointing at it, he said, "Hang in there, son!"
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.
"My paternal uncle died three months ago."
"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My maternal uncle died two months ago."
"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My father died last month."
"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"
Child abortion is like tax evasion: the more you lose, the less problems you have.
Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?
Answer: Insider trading.
I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.
What’s the difference between Geico and a wife?
Geico saves you more.
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
Who made the most money from 9/11? The US government.
"Jimmy Jimmy, Yes Papa,"
"Give away my Money, No Papa,"
"Telling Lies, OK, Ima Check my Bank Account."
Hey girl, are you my boss? 'Cause you just gave me a raise.
What do you call a whale on a beach?
Banked.
What do you call the American healthcare plan for poor people?
Death.
People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.
Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!
Would love to pound Sterling with a 14 lb hammer.
At least he got D.L.A. (Disability Living Allowance), so it's not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining...even a mushroom cloud.
As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.
My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."
