Finance jokes

Why did the rapper go to the bank? (Part 2)

To WITHDRAW some BEATS.

Why did the rapper go to the bank?

To make some DEPOSITS of RHYMES.

I asked my friend what happened to him?

His balance shifted.

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

It's illegal to go onto someone's property, demand money that they might not have while wearing all black, and threaten horrible things if they don't pay.

But when the IRS does it, it's perfectly fine. HMMMMM . . .

Your hairline is like the economy, it's going down.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

Dating 101:

Here's what you do:

1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

I saw a homeless dude and gave him $1.

I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

If y'all gotta crush on me, tell me now before my dad spends my Valentine's money on crack and alcohol.

What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?

Getting the water bill.

A Scotsman at the hairdresser: "How much is a haircut?"

"Six pounds."

"And shaving?"

"Three pounds."

"Good, then shave my head."

Want to save 50% on your Chinese?

Just ask before you pay.

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

Said the man angered to his wife:

"Now stop the damn suicide tries! Just look at the gas bill!?"

Q: What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

A: Cha-Ching!

Yo mama so fat that State Farm tried to get on her side but couldn’t.