Finance jokes

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

You might be innocent, but if you carry a large sum of cash in public, the cops won’t believe that.

Why do you go to the bank?

To get money.

When do you run from the bank?

When the cops come.

What was the movie about the dog called?

The woof of Wall Street.

My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.

EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"

Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."

I asked my uncle why he was living on the streets.

He said that he wasn't always on the streets, he used to have a job at these two towers. I asked him what happened, and he said two planes happened.

So today an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... Hhah.

What's the difference between $1 million and baby teeth?

I don't have $1 million in my wallet.

I asked a man for ten dollars for a cup of coffee. The man said coffee was only a quarter. I told him I was putting all my begs in one ask-it.

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

What does a husband of a woman do when he is horny?

He goes on a business trip with 100 $1 dollar bills.

If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?

A rich man paid for a trip to space, but he couldn't go because the rocket was damaged. He received a refund and an apology.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

I thought @$$hole Trump was a businessman, not a broke man.

I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"

I used to work at a bank, then I lost interest.

I used to work at a bank, then I lost interest.