Finance jokes

What does a husband of a woman do when he is horny?

He goes on a business trip with 100 $1 dollar bills.

If you steal a lottery ticket, is it considered Grand Theft Lotto?

A rich man paid for a trip to space, but he couldn't go because the rocket was damaged. He received a refund and an apology.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

I thought @$$hole Trump was a businessman, not a broke man.

I saw your mother get into a white Ford Taurus on the corner of Milton and Halliburton, and you're still trying to tell me she ain't got no job cause she "can't get a ride to work?"

I used to work at a bank, then I lost interest.

I used to work at a bank, then I lost interest.

Only one band is capable of affording the insurance on supercars. UB40!

What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.

A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.

I don't have any now.

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.

If you think no one cares about you, stop paying your taxes.

One dollar bill is with a five dollar bill. The five says, "I make more cents than you."

Your mum is so poor, she can't afford free samples.

I heard every single machine in the coin factory just broke down all of a sudden.

It just doesn’t make any cents!

I don’t have enough money to buy cheese, could you provolone me some money?

What do you call a rich Chinese guy?

"Ching ching."

When your husband can’t afford a punching bag, he uses his wife.