Finance Jokes

An old lady was low on money because she had spent all of her money on clothes.

So she decided to go to the bank. She walked up to the guy at the desk. She asked if he could check her balance. He asked a few questions to the old lady, like her weight and her height. He asked her if she had done any exercise recently. She was very confused. She got angry and asked the man again to check her balance. So he stood up, walked next to her and pushed her over. He came to the conclusion that she had a low balance.

Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.

Girl: Your card got declined.

Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.

Why did the chicken crack the safe?

To get to her nest egg.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to pay for my education.

They were both druids.

And Sterling has taken a dive.

That's all for financial news, back to the football.

Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snowbank!

Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?

Because they are really good at saving.

Which company likes Jesus the most?

IHS Markit!

Bubba couldn't make rent, so he offered to sleep with the landlady instead.

I think he forgot he lived in his mom's basement.

Where does a snowman keep his money?

In a snowbank.

Information has been leaked from government sources. When the current lock-up ends, the holder of the nation's purse, Fishi Rucksack, will launch a new initiative.

This will be to help the struggling "personal services" industry and will be labelled, "Sleep out to Help out."

My wife wanted a boob job. I told her it was too expensive.

I told her all she has to do is take some toilet paper and rub it in between her boobs for a few days, and they would get bigger. She asked, "How is that supposed to work?"

I replied, "I don't know how it works, but it did a heck of a job on your ass!"

What did 1 pay with at the store? A 1/4 ;)

Homeless person says to a rich person, "I'm homeless."

Rich person: "Then buy a house!"

One man said, "Do you need 20 bucks?"

The other said, "Do you have that many?"

Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"

Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"

How do you keep a bull from charging? You take its credit card away

There are two types of faces:

The handsome one, but the wallet is ugly.

Then there is this personal face full of bumps, but even they lack a wallet.

There is a similarity between my wallet and an onion.

They always make me cry.

My wife called me ugly, and then when she found out how much money I actually make, she called me ugly and broke.