Family jokes

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.

A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"

Is it normal my emo cousin's hobby is tying himself to train tracks?

How do you name an Asian child?

Ring the doorbell.

Why are orphanages like dogs?

Because they get adopted.

Yo mamma so stupid, she starved to death in a grocery store.

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order.

Incest.

When "slow down and apply more lube bro" REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.

A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.

“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.

“It’s because God made you special,” she said.

“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.

I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.

What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?

The redneck virgin.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

What's the difference between apples and orphans? The apples get picked, XD!