Family jokes
A joke becomes a dad joke when it leaves for milk and never comes back.
Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
Dad: "Yes, we arson."
Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.
Guy: I don't, I see your mom.
Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!
My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Why can't orphans have sex?
They have no one to call "daddy".
Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.
Feminists: Correct.
Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?
My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.
What did the Chinese family name their retarded kid? Something Wong.
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, “She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replies, “Change the damn diaper, you idiot.”
My brother caught Covid last month.
First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"
I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."
Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!
My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She's got my sister's eyes.
I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.
I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.