Family jokes

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.

If an Indian kid is conceived in incest, would that make them OMbred?

Why do orphans always have the newest iPhone?

Because it doesn’t have a home button.

What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

What do I call a white person with 15 black kids?

Coach.

When you have sex with a coworker but remember it's a family business.

At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.

On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.

“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?

Apples get picked.

Why did the Orphan go to church?

To call someone father.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

Is it bad to hit an orphan?

It's not like they'll tell their parents.

Why can’t you kidnap an orphan?

Because you can’t steal what was never wanted in the first place.

Two girls have a sleepover.

Karen: Let's go to bed.

Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

*Karen wakes up and exits room*

*Lauren hears noise*

Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

Lauren: *laughs*

Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

One day Timmy walks in on his mum in the bath. Then he asks, “What’s that dark fuzzy thing, mummy?” and mum said, “It’s a bush, every girl has one!” Then the next day he walks in on his dad in the shower. So he asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing?” The dad then says, “It’s a sexy boy” accidentally. Timmy asks his dad, “What does sexy mean?” And the dad says, “Your mother, of course,” making it seem like a child-friendly compliment. Then the next day at school Timmy wanted to compliment his teacher. He walks up to her and says, “You’re so so sexy!”

Orphans always dip their Oreos in water, hoping their dad comes back with the milk.