Two girls have a sleepover.
Karen: Let's go to bed.
Lauren: Fine, but it's early.
*Karen wakes up and exits room*
*Lauren hears noise*
Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.
Lauren: *laughs*
Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
Orphans always dip their Oreos in water, hoping their dad comes back with the milk.
How do you know your sister is on her period? Your dad's c**k tastes like s**t!
Why are orphans good at dodgeball?
They can dodge adoptions.
Why can't orphans be gay? They don't have a closet to come from.
Why does dark humor love orphans? Because the humor killed their parents.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
- Yo mama is so fat, when she wears a yellow dress, people yell "Taxi!"
- Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to climb Mountain Dew.
- Yo mama is so ugly, she made a blind kid cry.
- Yo mama is so old, she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.
- Yo mama is so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.
How many orphans does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they don't even got a home.
My mum's a carrot.
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.
What do you call a cup with a handle?
A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(
So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.
