Family jokes
I went to my sister's room one day. I saw a trophy, so I asked my sister how she won it. My sister said the neighbors gave it to her because she gave out the best hand jobs in the neighborhood. I guess my sister put her hands to good use.
Why can't an orphan play baseball or softball?
They can't find home. 🤣
My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.
What do you call the worst joke ever?
Well, according to my mom, I am.
The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.
What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?
They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.
Why can't an orphan get married? It doesn't have its parents' blessing.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
Pornhub suggesting me MILF on Mother's Day...
What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?
In the U.K., it's a swear word.
In America, it's a family reunion.
What’s the difference between an orphan and a tomato?
The tomato gets picked.
What does an orphan call a kidnapping?
A surprise adoption.
When you have sex with a coworker but remember it's a family business.
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?
Apples get picked.
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.