Family jokes

What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?

One has a home.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.

Guy: I don't, I see your mom.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Why can't orphans have sex?

They have no one to call "daddy".

Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!

What can you never tell an orphan?

Go home to your parents.

Why is it so easy to bully an orphan? What are they gonna do, tell their mum?

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes to the photographer, he shoots himself.

Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, “She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replies, “Change the damn diaper, you idiot.”

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

Sometimes I wish my gf was here, that way we could have some fun in my bed. Then I realize she's right across the hall. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA)!!

Kenny was into incest until his mom died.

Now he's into necrophilia.

My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She's got my sister's eyes.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.

I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.