Family jokes

I saw an orphan in the grocery store and asked him, "Where's your mom?" and he cried. Why?

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes to the photographer, he shoots himself.

Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”

Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

Two skeleton brothers are talking.

1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"

2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order.

What feature does an orphan's phone not have?

A home button.

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

What did the paintings name their daughter?

Palette.

When is it bedtime in the Jacksons' house?

When the big hand 🖐 meets the little 🤚.

I tried to tell an orphan a knock-knock joke, but sadly, there was no door to knock on.

Why can't orphans go to sleepovers?

Their parents never say yes.

What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?

One has a home.