Family jokes

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.

Yo mama so dumb, she tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order.

What feature does an orphan's phone not have?

A home button.

What did the paintings name their daughter?

Palette.

My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.

I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

When is it bedtime in the Jacksons' house?

When the big hand 🖐 meets the little 🤚.

I tried to tell an orphan a knock-knock joke, but sadly, there was no door to knock on.

A joke becomes a dad joke when it leaves for milk and never comes back.

What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?

One has a home.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!

How do you know your sister’s on her period? Your dad's cock tastes funny.

What did the Asian parents say when they had a disabled kid?

Sum ting wong.

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.

Guy: I don't, I see your mom.

Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.