Family jokes

What feature does an orphan's phone not have?

A home button.

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

What did the paintings name their daughter?

Palette.

When is it bedtime in the Jacksons' house?

When the big hand 🖐 meets the little 🤚.

What did the Chinese family name their retarded kid? Something Wong.

"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.

(Later)

"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?

One has a home.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Why do orphans love drinking water? Because they have no milk to drink!

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Why can't orphans have sex?

They have no one to call "daddy".

Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.

Guy: I don't, I see your mom.

What can you never tell an orphan?

Go home to your parents.

Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes to the photographer, he shoots himself.

"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."

Why is it so easy to bully an orphan? What are they gonna do, tell their mum?

Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.