Family jokes
Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?
A. An easy bake oven.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.
Yo mama so dumb, she tried to put m&m's in alphabetical order.
What feature does an orphan's phone not have?
A home button.
Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.
He was the best pilot in Arab.
What did the paintings name their daughter?
Palette.
My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.
I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.
When is it bedtime in the Jacksons' house?
When the big hand 🖐 meets the little 🤚.
My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!
How do you know your sister’s on her period? Your dad's cock tastes funny.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I tried to tell an orphan a knock-knock joke, but sadly, there was no door to knock on.
Why can't orphans go to sleepovers?
Their parents never say yes.
A joke becomes a dad joke when it leaves for milk and never comes back.
What's the difference between an iPhone and an orphan?
One has a home.