Family jokes

I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.

One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.

Me: Wow, they found the body already?

Dad: :/

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

My life is so sad it's because you're in it.

Is it normal my emo cousin's hobby is tying himself to train tracks?

Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!

James Arnold: My grandma walked in while I was knife raping my wife.

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?

Uh, uh, fuck me, daddy!

What’s the difference between a baby and a refrigerator?

The refrigerator doesn’t squeal when I put my meat in it.

One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."

If a deaf kid swears in sign language, does his mom wash his hands with soap?

I made a website to adopt orphans. But there is no home page.

What's an orphan's favorite movie? Spiderman: No Way Home.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? I lost my dad in it.

He was a great pilot.

Hi! I’m going back home.

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."