Family jokes

One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.

Teacher: "I used to be an orphan once."

Student: "That’s sad."

Teacher: "Anyways, who is away today?"

Student: "Your parents."

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

My dad’s nickname for me is ‘Tiger’.

Now, my wrists look like a tiger.

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

What is the difference between my Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't keep my Lamborghini in my garage.

This is the real reason why the chicken crossed the road.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To visit his grandmother at KFC.

One time, Little Johnny heard his parents "wrestling" in their bed. So the next morning, he went to rape all the little girls in school. This then led to his demise.

No girls told on him, but when he grew up, he was a raper. He never stopped. In total, "little" Johnny had over 31 sons that he didn't know about. When he was sentenced to jail, he raped all the inmates despite his small figure. He was then sent to the death sentence, "eagle wing" torture style.

His parents were happy he died, and the morbid rapist was put down, never to return again. However, all the sons had his genes, including his MINDSET. They then became a cult and shot down 2014 cops, 471 military members and 72951 males and females. The kids, you ask? Only the males were spared, and taught how to operate the guns. All but 419 females were killed. They soon became the world's strongest empire. No one could stop Little Johnny's sons. NO ONE.

My mum's a carrot.

Roses are red.

My soul is black.

I am never getting my dad back.

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

Because that’s the only love they get.

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and he just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Kids are so ungrateful sometimes. I bought a wheelchair for my son. Did he say thank you? Nope! That mtf just sat in his wheelchair the whole time crying the whole day. 😐

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

Being incest isn't that bad. I was fingering my sister, and I found my dad's old wedding ring. Winner winner!

What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?

You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.

I met another kid with Down syndrome the other day and attempted to talk to him. But my mom showed up and was asking me why I am talking to the mirror.

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.