Family jokes
Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.
Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA
I was sitting with my little brother when he was about four-ish. He was starting to really like to identify objects for some reason, so he was showing me his toys. He grabbed his toy Mator truck and then pointed to the wheels, saying, “These are wheels.” I said, “Good job, yes they are.” Then he pointed to the bumper and said, “This is a bumper.” Again, I congratulated him. Then, he grabbed the toy’s wire with the hook at the end and said, “And this is a hooker.” I died laughing.
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
Which sex position produces the ugliest children? Go ask your mother.
What do you do when you see a sad orphan?
Nothing, let them wait for their parents.
One day, I saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" I said, "His parents."
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”
(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
your mom
Why do orphans hate going to Costco? Because they need a parent to get samples.
When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.
Do you want to know why they call it an orphanage? Because they couldn't call it orphans home.
There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."