Family jokes

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They don't know where home is.

Why do orphans hate health ed at school?

Their parents can't opt them out of it.

Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.

Your mam is gay.

Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."

Your Da.

Why was Aaron's mum sad? The bus missed Aaron.

There were 1 mom and 3 kids. The first kid comes up and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom says, "Because when you were born a daisy fell on your head." The second kid asks their mom, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom says, "Because when you were born a butterfly landed on your head." Then the third kid yells, "Ahjoejienfkef." The mom says, "Shut up, Brick!"

You're so ugly when your mom dropped you off at school, she got a fine for littering.

My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.

Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.

What's the difference between me and an old man? No one pulled my life support.

What did the orphan say to his mom?

Where are you?

Is it normal my emo cousin's hobby is tying himself to train tracks?

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Apples get picked.

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.

But she has to. She's his mom.

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.

What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?

Father's Day.

What type of cake can orphans not have?

Homemade.

A young teen was walking home from school and having a nice day.

She gets home, eats, showers, and heads to her room. The young teen hears her mother say something. Not sure what she said, the girl replies with "ok."

The young teen was gonna head to bed, wondering when her mom was gonna come in and say goodnight. She lays in bed, but then she hears her mom's voice say, "Hunny, I'm home." She doesn't bother to say ok.

Later, when she decides to sleep, she gets a message from her mom saying to unlock the door, that she lost her keys. :)