Family Jokes

I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"

I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."

She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"

Me and my cousin went to a restaurant yesterday.

I ordered my chicken fried, he ordered his chicken alive.

What does PEMDAS stand for?

Penis enters my dad and sister.

Why did Brandon's mum chase him with a knife? Because he didn't let her cum first!

So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

Dad, why are we here?

Because you're not loved.

I will always remember my dad's last words...

Oh wait, I never knew them.

What do you call a boy in your mom?

Your dad.

If you punch an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents?

I was chopping onions with my brothers, so my little sisters cried. Onions was a good dog.

Why don’t you peel a banana?

It’s too hard to kill your nana.

My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.

Yo mama so fat that she should be worried for her health and go see a doctor.

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Steve!"

"Steve who?"

Steve cries, aware that his grandmother's Alzheimer's has reached a point where she can no longer remember him.

Rhydon- son.

Rhydon? - mum.

RHYDON DEEZ NUTS! - son.

Jeez, ur like ur father in bed- mum.

XD

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

Roses are red, your mother has said, "Come back again, and you'll be dead!"

I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.

Yo mama so old, she was Jesus' nanny! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂