Family jokes

Yo mama eat so much that she threw up a thousand times and said, "Help me, son!"

I saw a trophy in my sister's room. So I said congratulations on your cheer leading. My sister said I didn't win the trophy for cheer leading, so I asked why. My sister said I won because I give the best jobs.

I said to my wife that she's so ugly that she threw a boomerang and it never came back.

Max Alexander Heart is adopted.

I love my family when they're buried alive.

Evan David Sandri is gay and he is adopted.

One day, this dad and his son went to a basketball factory, and the son said, "I want to buy some balls." The dad said, "What for?" The son said, "So you can have some balls."

A man walks into a forest and sees a girl crying. He asks her, "What is wrong?"

She replies, "I lost my family, my friends, and my home."

The man then unties his pants and says, "Then young lady, your day is about to get worse!"

Why did the pillow cross the road?

Because his cousin's name was Koshin, and he didn't want to live anymore.

If babies stay in their mothers for 9 months, are they not 9 months old when they are born?

What is more time-consuming than children?

Waiting for your wife to go into labor!

What does your mum have in common with your dad?

They are both men.

Man and woman are having a discussion. The woman looks into the man's eyes and says, "Honey, you know how I like it when you walk up and stick it in . . . "

". . . but I love it when Bob walks up and sticks it in!"

Divorce is scheduled for next month.

Dad goat: Son, do you know what I like to eat?

Son goat: No, what?

Dad goat: Goat meat.

Son goat: *Gasps*

Dad goat: Nah, I'm just KIDing.

When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!

What would an orphan ask for Christmas?

"A someone."

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"John."

"John who?"

John broke down into tears as his Mother's Alzheimer's had gotten progressively worse.

Who's the closest family member to Paul Walker?

Answer: The tree.

Yo mama's such a milf, she deserves a tongue punch in the fart box.

Me: "You wanna see my dad?"

Some kid: "Yeah?"

Me: "Close your eyes and he will appear."

Some kid: "He ain't appearing."

Me: "Sorry I thought he would appear for you. He won't appear for me."

*The kid laughs*

Moral: Not everything is supposed to be funny text if you notice what was really going on. 🙃