Family jokes

I told kids to make a family tree. God, I love working at the orphanages.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from my mum scares me.

Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.

Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.

An orphan girl wanted a family so she was raped until pregnant. Problem solved.

Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

Name something you practiced kissing on as a kid.

Sister. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!

While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.

We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.

Me: "My grandpa killed 100 nazis."

My friend: "Well, my grandpa killed Hitler."

Roses are red, I have a blister, holy shit did you just cum in your sister?

What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?

They are all insane comebacks!!!

Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

My uncle can't walk straight. I think it's because he's gay.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Your dad is gay, so are you.

Why does the adopted kid like playing GTA? Because he wants to be wanted.

Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?

Because they can’t see their parents.