Family jokes

Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

Name something you practiced kissing on as a kid.

Sister. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!

Me: "My grandpa killed 100 nazis."

My friend: "Well, my grandpa killed Hitler."

What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?

They are all insane comebacks!!!

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.

Why does the adopted kid like playing GTA? Because he wants to be wanted.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.

My uncle can't walk straight. I think it's because he's gay.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Your dad is gay, so are you.

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can't find home.

Roses are red, I have a blister, holy shit did you just cum in your sister?

If mistakes make people human, then your parents must have been alligators before you were born.