Family jokes

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

What are the similarities between a 14-year-old pregnant girl and her unborn fetus?

They are both thinking, "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me."

If mistakes make people human, then your parents must have been alligators before you were born.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Why does an orphan love to go to church?

Because they have someone to call father.

Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.

“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.

The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”

Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.

The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.

“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No.”

The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.

“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.

“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”

“Yep.”

“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”

My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.

I told kids to make a family tree. God, I love working at the orphanages.

Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.

Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.

"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"

"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"

Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from my mum scares me.

An orphan girl wanted a family so she was raped until pregnant. Problem solved.

PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."

Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

Name something you practiced kissing on as a kid.

Sister. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.