Family jokes

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can't find home.

Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?

Because they can’t see their parents.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?

Because it's a family company...

If mistakes make people human, then your parents must have been alligators before you were born.

An orphan girl wanted a family so she was raped until pregnant. Problem solved.

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

Son: Mom, what is dark humor?

Mom: Son, do you see that man trying to tie his shoe with no hands?

Son: Mother, you know I'm blind and can't see!!

Mom: Exactly!

DAD: I'm bringing your toys to the orphanage.

SON: Why?

DAD: You're going to need them.

When we were visiting the Hoover Dam, I started to get a bit hungry. I asked my parents, "Where's the dam snack bar?"

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you should never turn your back on family.

Why is the orphan failing all his classes? He can't do homework.

I like my kids how I like my lights, Hanging from the ceiling.

A proud new dad sits down with his own father.

His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.

The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.

His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."

Why is an orphan so scared of the dark?

They don't have a dad to check the closet.

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

Why does Sally have 100 sisters? She lives in an orphanage.

A kid is watching TV and sees an ad about adopting an animal. He then turns to his mother and says, “Do we have to adopt a donkey?” “No,” replied the mom, “but we decided to do it... we adopted you.”