Family jokes

Name something you practiced kissing on as a kid.

Sister. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!

My uncle can't walk straight. I think it's because he's gay.

I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.

Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?

Because they can’t see their parents.

Whenever you're mad, just punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

What do teen mothers and their unborn babies have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh my God, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Why does the adopted kid like playing GTA? Because he wants to be wanted.

Me: "My grandpa killed 100 nazis."

My friend: "Well, my grandpa killed Hitler."

Roses are red, I have a blister, holy shit did you just cum in your sister?

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?

They are all insane comebacks!!!

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can't find home.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?

Because it's a family company...

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

Son: Mom, what is dark humor?

Mom: Son, do you see that man trying to tie his shoe with no hands?

Son: Mother, you know I'm blind and can't see!!

Mom: Exactly!

DAD: I'm bringing your toys to the orphanage.

SON: Why?

DAD: You're going to need them.

What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?

Father Les.

Why can’t orphans say "I’m in the ghetto?" Because they can’t say "I’m in a home."