Family jokes
PP almighty stabeth thy! Then my sister said, "Just put it in."
I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" The man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon."
Name something you practiced kissing on as a kid.
Sister. SWEET HOME ALABAMA!
I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.
He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.
I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.
Me: "My grandpa killed 100 nazis."
My friend: "Well, my grandpa killed Hitler."
My uncle can't walk straight. I think it's because he's gay.
What does your mum and Istanbul have in common?
They are all insane comebacks!!!
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because they can’t see their parents.
Why does the adopted kid like playing GTA? Because he wants to be wanted.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't find home.
Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.
Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"
The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?
Because it's a family company...
A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.
She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.
The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.
The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"
Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"
So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”
My girlfriend's last words:
"I can’t wait to become a mom!"
Son: Mom, what is dark humor?
Mom: Son, do you see that man trying to tie his shoe with no hands?
Son: Mother, you know I'm blind and can't see!!
Mom: Exactly!
Why can’t orphans say "I’m in the ghetto?" Because they can’t say "I’m in a home."
What do you call an orphan who grows up and becomes a priest?
Father Les.
DAD: I'm bringing your toys to the orphanage.
SON: Why?
DAD: You're going to need them.