Family jokes
Why can orphans only watch G-rated movies?
Because they have no parental guidance.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
Welcome to Alex's orphanage, you make 'em, we take 'em.
Your mom's so fat, she fell.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don’t know what a full house is.
I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.
I have a friend who doesn't have a dad.
He says: "You're useless, go to hell!"
Me: "Wait, why do you want me to join your dad?"
Your mom is just like Rapunzel, but instead of letting down her hair, she lets everyone down! OHHHHH!
So a mom went to her kid and said, "If you pray to God, He will give you your sight back." So he did exactly that.
The next morning, the mom heard a scream, so she went to the kid's room and asked, "What's wrong?" The kid replied, "It didn't work!" The mom said, "April Fools!"
I watched the series of "Unfortunate Events" 4 times, all the shows 4 times. I am crying. I am trying to finish the rest, then my brother comes in and says it is PG (Parental Guidance). After that, my brother called me a baby, then he pushed me off my bed. 😭
One orphan said, "Daddy, chill." I was like, "You don't have a dad!"
The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.
“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”
“From my father,” said Johnny.
“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”
Yo mom!
Why can't orphans close their video games?
Because they can't find the home button.
I once told an orphan to go big or go home. He replied, "I can't get home; it got bombed."
What do you do when you are angry with an orphan? Hit them.
It's not like they can tell their parents.
Your mama is so fat when Santa went down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, ho, holy shit, you're fatter than me, bitch!"
Why do orphans only buy iPhone XS?
Because it has a home button.
Your hairline and my grandpa go wayyyyy back.
Why does an orphan have to go to church? Because that's the only way he can pray for a father.