Family Jokes

Why can orphans never be kidnapped?

No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."

Kid: What is the biggest mistake you made in your life?

Parents: Go look above the bathroom sink.

Kid goes and looks, but then he realizes.

I asked my mom where babies come from. She said I came from the adoption center.

Why was the ant so confused? Because all his uncles were ants.

Me: "Comment if you love yourself and give me a reason."

Friends: comments give reason.

Me: "Notice how I commented nothing."

Day later:

Mom: Let me see your TikTok.

Me: Shows her the video.

Mom: calls suicide.

JK, she just beat me for posting a video on her.

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The image is split into two sections. The top shows a woman with a surprised but pleased smile. The text above her reads, "Mums when their teenage son mentions a girl for the first time." Below, there is a cartoon character holding a shotgun with an angry expression. A younger cartoon character stands beside him. The text says, "Dads when their teenage daughter mentions a boy" and "I just want to talk with him."

What do sex and food have in common?

My sister makes it better than my cousin.

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

Why do Black people dip their Oreos in water?

Because daddy never came back home with the milk.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

What are the similarities between a 14-year-old pregnant girl and her unborn fetus?

They are both thinking, "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me."

Yo mama so ugly she made happy meals cry.

My dad just comes and goes.

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

The doctor told me I had aids. I said, "It's your fault, sister."

Yo mama so fat when she jumped in the water, the whales started singing "We are a family, even though you fatter than me."

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.