Family Jokes

What is the difference between an orphan and a criminal?

Criminals are wanted.

- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?

- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!

Q: What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?

A: They aren't much to look at, but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.

When you ask your sister if she wanna smash, but then she grabs the Switch.

Your family tree looks like a circle 💀💀💀

A tabby cat lies on the floor with a rainbow-colored light beam emanating from its rear. Below the cat, a news banner reads, "BREAKING NEWS: CAT PROTECTS FAMILY FROM A LGBT. Brave cat stopped the LGBT as it entered the home."

My girlfriend's last words:

"I can’t wait to become a mom!"

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"

A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.

At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared of being alone. She said, "Sure, just don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what are those?" She replied, "Those are just headlights." He looked down and said, "What is that?" She said, "That's just a bush." The next day, mommy wasn't home, so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said, "Okay, but don't look up." He looked up and said, "Woah, what is that?" His papa replied, "That's just a snake." Later that night, he asked to sleep with his parents. They said, "Okay, just don't look under the covers." After a while, he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed, "Mom, turn on the headlights, the snake is in the bush!"

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

I popped some fireworks and told my Vietnamese grandfather that World War 3 started.

What do sex and food have in common?

My sister makes it better than my cousin.

I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.

It was a touching story.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can't find home.

A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”