Family jokes
Why do dads take time to get?
Milk?
I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!
Why does an orphan's year only have 363 days? Because it's missing Mother's and Father's Day.
His gay ass dad.
Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.
Mom: Witherspoon.
Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!
What’s an orphan’s least favorite school event? Homecoming!
My father, who flew the plane, couldn't have a funeral, he went everywhere.
Your mother's hairline is sooooooo long cause Dora the Explorer could not explore it.
Your dad's hairline was so long that he died.
I'm such a good babysitter because the last person I babysat was so flat.
Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.
Why can't orphanages play baseball? Because they don't know where home is.
Why is it okay to hit an orphan?
It's not like they're going to tell their parents.
How did the orphan become famous?
By "go[ing] big or go[ing] home."
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
One gets picked, and the other doesn’t.
Why can't orphans go on school field trips?
Parent signature________________
What is wrong with the orphan website? It doesn't have a homepage.
Kid walks in the door. "Mommy and Daddy, I'm home." Mommy and Daddy meanwhile in their room moaning. Kid runs to them thinking they're hurt and sees something he definitely shouldn't have.
10 minutes later, [he] kills himself.
Orphans have 363 days on a calendar because they don't have Mothers' or Fathers' Day.
Why do orphans go to church?
To call someone "father."