Family jokes

Your mom is so old that her birth certificate says "expired."

Your mum's so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

What are three things the Twin Towers have in common with my dad? They are big, sexy, and smashed your mom.

One day this kid says to his dad, "Dad, they bully me at school."

His dad asks why, and the kid says, "They bully me because I got no hands."

Then his dad says, "Who would do such a thing like that? I want to know who they are. Point at them!"

I hate when my father doesn't cook me cocktails for tea.

If my son was a real man, I wouldn't have caught him fucking another man.

When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:

Why do orphans not buy a keyboard? Because they can’t use the home button.

Want a kiss, daddy? Want a blow job?

At school in a classroom, the teacher asked the kid, “If you have one dollar and your parents give you five dollars, how much do you have?” Everyone raised their hand except one little girl.

What does a man with 20 children do now?

Now he eats sausages even with cellophane.

I had morning wood one day. Then my sister saw it and said, "I can help!"

Bowling is like child support: it involves balls.

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

Yep, if someone says to you, "I can't roast trash," say, "Well, some trash is used for recycling, and that is why you have a baby brother!"

Q: Why is it good being an orphan?

A: Because the family sized bag is all there's.