Family jokes

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

Why do orphans hate going to Costco? Because they need a parent to get samples.

Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?

Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?

A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus.

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

Closer kin, deeper in!

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

So I had a friend who was an orphan, and he said, "How's your girlfriend?" I said, "I don't have one." He said, "I know, just reminding you." I then said, "Hey, how's your parents?" I never saw him after that.

Why aren’t orphan jokes funny?

The punchline isn’t apparent.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?

Liam: I like you both.

Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to paris.

Mother: That's means you like dad more.

Liam: No, its because i like paris.

Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to America.

Mother: Why?

Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.

How are orphans and blind kids similar?

They both have never seen their parents :)

Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."