Family

Family jokes

Mom

    • If my mom decides to get Chick-fil-A for dinner, and when I decide to eat my family for dinner, is that called cannibalism?

    Family memes

    Dad

    • My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.

    I told him my dad never came back with it.

    Death

    • Mom: You can't die in the living room, David, so you can stop stabbing and shooting yourself.

    David: I will surpass Kakarot!

    Jordan: *dead on the living room floor*

    Voodoo dick

    • A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine.

    He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!”

    The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk and, once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid.

    The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!”

    The man nods and heads home.

    Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip.

    A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!”

    The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief.

    “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”

  • 37

    • Stork

    • A young boy asked his Dad, "Was it true that we come from a Stork?"

    Dad said, "It is, Son."

    Son says, "Who fucks a Stork?"

  • 1

    • Dad

    • Girl: "Dad."

    Dad: "Do I love you?"

    Girl: "I am a prostitute."

    Dad: "Yes."

    Woman 2: "Dad."

    Dad: "Right?"

    Woman 2: "I'm a woman too."

    Father: "God, do you love children?"

    Boy: "Yes..."

  • 0

    • Orphan

    • What's it called when an orphan calls 911?

    Operator: Hello, is your family okay?

    Orphan: I'm an orphan.

    Operator: *bruh*