Family jokes

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

Why do orphans hate going to Costco? Because they need a parent to get samples.

Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.

Closer kin, deeper in!

Grandma: Young people your age are married by now, why aren’t you?

Me: Old people your age are dead right now, why aren’t you?

Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus.

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

The emo kid ran away after his parents asked why they took the barcode sticker off the Oreos.

Why aren’t orphan jokes funny?

The punchline isn’t apparent.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

Teacher: Describe a penguin.

Student: Black, white, beak.

Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan.

Student: Sad, maybe depressed, no family.

Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow.

Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes.

Teacher: No! How does that describe a cow?

Student: It describes you tho.

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

How are orphans and blind kids similar?

They both have never seen their parents :)

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

What do you say to your sister when she's crying? -- "Are you having a crisis?"