Family jokes
My sister's boyfriend is mad at me because I fucked his girl.
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.
What's missing in an orphanage computer?
"The motherboard."
Q: Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for their birthday?
A: 'Cause it don't have a home button.
Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."
I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.
What do incest families do on Halloween?
Pumpkin.
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
Why can't orphans go on an away trip? Because they already are on one.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
The F in orphan stands for family... oh wait.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...
It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."