Family

Family Jokes

Leave

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

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  • Cousin

    The last thing I told my ex after we broke up was, "At least we're still cousins!" 😂

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  • Little Johnny

    Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."

    Orphan

    Q: Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for their birthday?

    A: 'Cause it don't have a home button.

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  • Daughter

    I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

    Man

    A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.

    After the plane takes off, a woman sitting behind the man asks him, “Are all of them yours?”

    “No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”

    Gay

    "What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

    "It means 'happy'," replied the father.

    "Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

    "No, son, I have a wife."

    Family Tree

    I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

    Girlfriend

    I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

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  • Piñata

    What happened to the blind man's son?

    He thought he was hitting a piñata.

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  • Orphan

    Why can't an orphan be gay?

    Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy". (My bad if this offended anyone.)

    Child

    As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.

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  • Word

    I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

    Viagra

    A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

    Orphan

    A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

    Cancer

    My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

    She was eaten by a giant crab.