Family Jokes

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much so I unplugged his life support. Luckily I remember his last words . "You little bastard!"

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle dave...

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed. But she has to. She's his mom.

A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said: "I have good news and bad news." The wife said: "What's the good news? "We managed to save his arm." "What's the bad news?" "We couldn't save the rest of him."

Incest. A game the whole family can play

Roses are red My soul is black I am never getting My dad back

There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up and Manners. One day Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station whilst Manners tried to help Shit. When Shut up got to the police station he says "my brother has just been hit by a car." The policeman replied with "OK then first I need to know your name." "Shut up" "No, I need to know your name." "Shut up." "Excuse me but where are your manners." "Round the corner picking up shit."

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

Can't wait to meet you! So join the Depression family! We open real soon! Try best to hold onto sanity!

One man's trash is another man's treasure.... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

There was a cannibal who had a wife and (eight) kids.

My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."

Guys my sisters pregnant!

Im finally a dad!

I had recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy

Christopher’s Mom said one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Turns out Christopher was adopted.

By the way, this joke is easily found on Google, this was not created by me, I just have not seen it in these fat jokes so I thought I'd say it.

Doctor: I diagnoss you with obesitiy. Patient: It runs in the family. Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

So a daughter asks her father "dad what is you opinion on abortions?" So her father says why don't you ask your sister. The daughter responds "but I don't have a sister... Oh"