Family jokes

Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."

People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."

Knock knock! Who's there? It's Dave! Dave who? Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."

Baby: "Lmao, same"

A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.

After the plane takes off, a woman sitting behind the man asks him, “Are all of them yours?”

“No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”

Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."

Q: Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for their birthday?

A: 'Cause it don't have a home button.

I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

What happened to the blind man's son?

He thought he was hitting a piñata.

Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."

My sister's boyfriend is mad at me because I fucked his girl.

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.

I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.

The F in orphan stands for family... oh wait.

Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?

Liam: I like you both.

Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to paris.

Mother: That's means you like dad more.

Liam: No, its because i like paris.

Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to America.

Mother: Why?

Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.