Family jokes
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.
Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."
A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.
After the plane takes off, a woman sitting behind the man asks him, “Are all of them yours?”
“No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
What's missing in an orphanage computer?
"The motherboard."
Q: Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for their birthday?
A: 'Cause it don't have a home button.
Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."
What do incest families do on Halloween?
Pumpkin.
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
Why can't orphans go on an away trip? Because they already are on one.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
The F in orphan stands for family... oh wait.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
The emo kid ran away after his parents asked why they took the barcode sticker off the Oreos.
I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...