Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."
The last thing I told my ex after we broke up was, "At least we're still cousins!" 😂
Q: Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for their birthday?
A: 'Cause it don't have a home button.
I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.
A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.
After the plane takes off, a woman sitting behind the man asks him, “Are all of them yours?”
“No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."
Baby: "Lmao, same"
I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy". (My bad if this offended anyone.)
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.
Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"
A cemetery should be built next to orphanages, so the orphans can see their parents.
The F in orphan stands for family... oh wait.
My sister's boyfriend is mad at me because I fucked his girl.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
By rearranging the furniture.
