Family jokes

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.

What's missing in an orphanage computer?

"The motherboard."

Q: Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for their birthday?

A: 'Cause it don't have a home button.

Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."

I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

What do incest families do on Halloween?

Pumpkin.

"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.

"It means 'happy'," replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

What happened to the blind man's son?

He thought he was hitting a piñata.

Why can't orphans go on an away trip? Because they already are on one.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.

The F in orphan stands for family... oh wait.

I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.

Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.

Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.

But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

By rearranging the furniture.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.