Brother: I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help Sister: that’s my fu__ing electric toothbrush Brother: oh, well the offer still stands.
Whats the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?
Schools buses usually don't have screaming and crying children
Today my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings and when my brother walked past my mom asked me a question "what do you think of going through kids heads during a school shooting " That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom "bullets" we don't talk about this anymore
What do you call a redneck sister who runs faster than her brothers?
A virgin.
a girl and her brother are walking in their garden POV:Brother. Sister:Why are you cutting those flowers?
Brother; because their beautiful!
Sister:I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't.
Brother:......
Why hasn't my dad come back? No seriously I'm not joking
My uncle and I have some what of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.
My grandpa may be a pedo but at least he slows down in the school car park
Your family tree looks like a circle 💀💀💀
I told kids to make a family tree. God, I love working at the orphanages.
What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it’s family?
A self-fie
You're so ugly when a pig saw you it thought that you were there family member .
My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words ... through the pillow.
Me. i asked an orphan were his parents were i also said that i promised to take him to them Orphan. there dead Me. a promise made is a promise kept
Dad. Son who do you want to marry when you grow up? Son. A ugly girl. Dad. Why not a pretty girl? Son. A pretty one might run away. Dad. So and ugly one might to. Son. Yeah but who cares.
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
Little Sally found out that she had hair on her private area and whent up to her mom and asked "mom I have hair on my privates,what is it?" "OH honey thats your monkey." The mom says So little Sally runs up to her big sister and says "my monkey has hair on it" so the sister replies with a laugh "you think thats cool my monkey is already eating bananas
dentist: open up sir
me:so..i hate my life my family my sisters my dog my cat and i tried to take a bath with my toaster but my dog took it that's why i hate my dog and my cat died trying to chew my rope it choked.....yea
dentist: i.. meant your mouth .. so i can clean your teeth
me: :O ohhhh my bad
dentist : do u need help??
me: yep
dentist:...
me: ....
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons. American: I won't ever see my dog again! Italian: I won't ever make pizzas again! German: Hey, granddad, how have you been?
A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."
