Family jokes

How to tell your kid he's adopted:

Son, I'm a virgin.

What's the best part about plowing your cousin?

- It makes your sister jealous.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.

Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Why did the chicken go to KFC? ... To visit his family.

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

So, I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion.

(SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING)

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely?

Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.

Once I saw a girl crying and asked, "Where are your parents?" God, I love working at orphanages.

Bully: "Nobody loves you."

Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."

If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

April Fools' joke: Go to an orphanage and say your parents came back.

A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."

Why are Alabamians so resentful of immigrants?

They don't want their sons and daughters to have sex with anyone other than their siblings or relatives.