Family jokes

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

Me: Are you an orphan?

Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: ....ur parents.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”

MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.

Which sex position produces the ugliest children?

Go ask your mother.

What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)

Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

Why do I only date orphans?

Because they never have daddy issues.