Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.
My favorite sex position is ‘WOW.’ It's where I flip your mom upside down.
Note to self.
When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".
Google "cream pie recipes".
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.
I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.
You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.
An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.
One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.
The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.
The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?
Both their parents were separated.
SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”
MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"
The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."
The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."
Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."
Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
Which sex position produces the ugliest children?
Go ask your mother.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.
What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?
School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
What's the difference between orphans and apples?
Apples get picked.
