Family jokes

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

Me: Are you an orphan?

Boy: Yeah, what gave me away?

Me: ....ur parents.

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

What are the similarities between an orphan and a newborn plant?

Both their parents were separated.

SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”

MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down?"

The man says, "I just found out my niece is gay." The next day, he orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's got you down now?" The man says, "I just found out my son is gay."

The next day, he orders 6 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Got anybody who likes women?" The man says, "My wife does."

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

Which sex position produces the ugliest children?

Go ask your mother.

What's the difference between orphans and apples?

Apples get picked.