Family jokes

I hate my wife.

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was 'sleeping with the fishes.' At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.

What movie does an orphan want for Christmas? "Spiderman: Homecoming";)

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

Which sex position produces the ugliest children?

Go ask your mother.

Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."

Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"

Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."

Incest. A game the whole family can play.

SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”

MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”

What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?

School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.

Most states:

"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."

Alabama:

"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."

Why do I only date orphans?

Because they never have daddy issues.

Why did the strawberry cry? -- Because his mother was in a jam.

- The emo went to give the tree a high five, but the emo was left hanging.

- How did the gay person die? Homicide.

- Why did the emo get kicked out of the amusement park? He was cutting in line.

- When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it leaves and never comes back.

- I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was such a good dog.

- I have happy memories building sandcastles with my dad, until my mom took his urn away.

- How is the person over there different from cancer? His dad didn't beat cancer.

My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."