Family jokes

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."

Dad's secretary left her position, he told me I could take it if I want it. He also told me the job pays well but there is a lot to catch up on. He kept me under the pump all week.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

I like telling dad jokes.

He laughs at most of them.

My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"

But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.

I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.

Onions was such a good dog!

What's a penguin's favorite relative?

Aunt Arctic.

I have so many orphan jokes. I'm afraid most of them won't hit home.

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

What does a transgender call his/her parent?

Transparent.

I think one of my dads might be gay.

What’s the best thing about dating an orphan?

You don’t need parental consent.

What does an orphan call a family photo?

A wishlist.

Is it incest if it’s out in the open?

Or is it... outcest?

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

Why are orphans good at being a criminal?

Because they're not wanted.

My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.

Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.

Your mama is so short, she does backflips under her bed.