Family Jokes

Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."

One time I was at home alone with my dawgy, and I was eating peanut butter. I thought since it's oily, I could use it as a lotion, so I spread it all over my private part. My dawgy came over and started licking the peanut butter off my private part, and my private part got big and hard. Then, white stuff came out of my wee wee, and my dawgy started looking up at me and whining.

And then my daddy came home and saw what I was doing and shouted, "What are you doing?" And I said I was using peanut butter on my private part. Then he said, "Well, let me have a taste." And then he started doing what my dawgy was doing.

My dad smashed my PS5, so I smashed his wife.

I got my orphan kid a phone. She was pressing the home button, but it didn't work.

Yo mama is so stupid, because when she gave birth to you, she asked for a receipt!

You are the special

The image shows Emmet Brickowski from The Lego Movie. The text overlay reads, "Me asking my dad how I got 100% on the Autism Test even though I didn't practice for it: ...because you are The Special."

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful cunt sat in his wheelchair all day.

What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's going to kill me!"

Your birth certificate is a complaint to the condom factory.

Why wouldn’t Mrs. Grapes leave her children behind?

Because she loves raisin kids.

Why can't an orphan be gay?

Because they have no one to call daddy.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell them to clap til' their parents get home.

Why doesn't Helen Keller's kid have ears? She gave it its first haircut!

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."