Family jokes

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.

He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.

Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."

Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."

Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."

Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."

So I made a simple cancer joke on Roblox with my friend, and then both her dumb-ass friends were like, "OMG WHY WOULD U SAY DAT? YOUR HORRIBLE!!" That pissed me off. Like damn woman, it's not like I said, "IF PEOPLE IN YOUR FAMILY DIED FROM CANCER THAT MEANS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE ALL DUMB-ASSES." If anything they are actually dumb asses but hey. Also they can't talk. They don't know that I'm abused everyday at home and pressured to get good grades or else I'd get my head bashed against a wall till there is blood. So if they are reading this, SUCK MY ASS BITCH.

I have an auntie who has no arms and no legs. She is my dad's half sister.

My parents told me that when they had sex, it was absolutely shambles.

Thankfully, it turned out that they were real balls.

Can't wait for the orphans to have their family reunion! Wait...

I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"

He huffed and he puffed, but instead of blowing the house, he choked it down with his mom.

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

I made a website for orphans the other day... it doesn’t have a home page.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

'Cause they don't know where home is.

Why does Doctor Pepper come in a bottle?

His wife died.

How did Peter Parker get caught as Spider-Man?

Well, he weaved a really tangled web, and Aunt May saw it.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

If you're ever bored, kick an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."