Family jokes
Why can't orphans play baseball?
'Cause they don't know where home is.
Why does Doctor Pepper come in a bottle?
His wife died.
How did Peter Parker get caught as Spider-Man?
Well, he weaved a really tangled web, and Aunt May saw it.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
If you're ever bored, kick an orphan. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"
Woman two: "Did that work?"
Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
I made a website for orphans, but there's no homepage.
A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.
He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.
The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.
Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
Q: Why are orphans bad at baseball?
A: They can’t find home.
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.
Why did Grampa pass out? Because of diabetes.
What's the difference between a school bus and my Dad's van?
School buses usually don't have screaming and crying children.
Did y’all hear about the increasing divorce rate because people are addicted to Fortnite?
They’re just two weeks to quit.
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
What did Eminem do when he couldn't get some of his mom's spaghetti?
Well, he didn't make it back to recovery this time...
There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
Johnny Johnny?
Yes pa pa.
Eating sugar?
Yes pa pa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you're mad at me for eating a little sugar. Smoking? Telling lies? Yes pa pa, you do all of those things because you're a chronic addict.