Family jokes
What do an abortion and a baby have in common?
The mom doesn't want either of them.
A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”
The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."
The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."
Your mother.
Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.
Yo mama so hairy, you got carpet burn when you were born.
Yo mama so blind that when she played Fortnite, she got her vision back, got 'em!
Daughter: Mommy, what ever happened to Steven Hawking?
Mother: He died.
Daughter: How did he die?
Mother: He never got recharged.
My sister's name was Philma. We were unfortunate enough to have the last name Coochie. Let's just say no more virgins were at that school.
Why is Hugh's mum so fucking fat?
Because she ate the 34 other kids she had but now only has 6,789.
My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.
It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!
Knock knock! Who's there? It's Dave! Dave who? Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.
Who do you call someone that steals his brother's girlfriend and [is] disowned by his whole family? Brandon.
What has 2 legs, 2 arms, and an abusive father?
Aaron.
You're not my dad.
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.
Yo mama is so ugly, when there was a tornado, the tornado refused to suck her up.
Kids?