Family jokes
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.
What did one orphan say to another? Where's your home?
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
Hey dad, I'm hungry!
Hi hungry, I'm dad. Why did you name me this way, why why why?
Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.
Today; worst day ever.
My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?
If you lift the hood on my car, you won’t find a 5.7l v8.
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
Little boy: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
Little boy: Your parents.
Why do I only date orphans?
Because they never have daddy issues.
There is an upside to being an orphan. Every bag of chips is family size.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
My sister's boyfriend is mad at me because I fucked his girl.
When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.
By the way, have you seen my sister?
What do you call an orphan's family tree? A stump.
What's the difference between a T-Rex and your sister? I can't stick my dick in a dinosaur.
So, I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion.
(SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING)