Family jokes
*Knock Knock* Who's there? Social Services...
If you wanna hit somebody, hit an orphan, what are they gonna do... tell their parents?
My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and he just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
Dr. Brody: Sir, your son has a disease called boofa.
Dad: What's boofa?
Dr. Brody: Both of these nuts in your mouth.
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?
Q: What do you call a tsunami?
A: Your mom's water breaking.
Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.
One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.
What did one orphan say to another? Where's your home?
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
Hey dad, I'm hungry!
Hi hungry, I'm dad. Why did you name me this way, why why why?
Just walked in on my parents doing it! Worst 30 minutes of my life.
Today; worst day ever.
My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
They don't know what a full house is.
What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?
If you lift the hood on my car, you won’t find a 5.7l v8.
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.
Little boy: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, what gave me away?
Little boy: Your parents.
Why do I only date orphans?
Because they never have daddy issues.