Family jokes
Q: Why is it fun to hit an orphan?
A: Who are they going to tell, their parents?
There is a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking; at least one of them does something.
What’s the difference between grandma getting ran over by a reindeer, and a poor kid’s parents getting ran over by military tractors?
When grandma got ran over by a reindeer, the kids actually gave a sh*t.
A baby is like another step. You use it just the same as the other steps.
A little boy got the homework that he had to learn the four first letters of the alphabet. He went to his mother, who was knitting and had hurt herself. He asked her what the first letter of the alphabet was, and she said a swear word. He went to his brother, who was playing with a Superman, and asked what the second letter of the alphabet was, and he answered "SUPERMAN!!!". Then he went to his little sister, and asked what the third letter of the alphabet was, and given the fact that she was playing with Barbies, she said, "in the Barbie Dream House!" Then he went to his father who was watching a soccer game, and his team just scored, so when he asked what the fourth letter of the alphabet was, he said, "Olé Olé Olé!!!". The next day at school, the teacher asked the little boy what the first four letters of the alphabet were. He said the swear word. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOUNG MAN!!!", the teacher boomed. "Superman", the boy replied. "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!?!", the teacher continued. "In the Barbie Dream House" "GO TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE!!!" "OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ!", the boy chanted on his was down the hall.
My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.
Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.
I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.
The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.
Why can't orphans go on an away trip? Because they already are on one.
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.
I'm still playing hide & seek with my dad.
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
Q: Why did the family want to move out while the neighbors were playing tennis?
A: Because they were a racquet!
What is it called if your mom does not make it to your birth?...
An abortion.
Why can't Jordan moan?
Because his parents are in the room next to him. Asleep.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
Why are mountains so cold?? Your mom lol.
Me: Hey, wanna know my spirit animal?
Friend: Sure.
Me: Roadkill, because I can see my mom pretty clearly now.
Friend: Wait, aren't you dead?
Me: Aren't you my son?
Friend: So that's what Mom was trying to hide from me.