Family jokes

Roses are red, your mother has said, "Come back again, and you'll be dead!"

When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale

Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.

When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.

I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

What is it called when you whoop a donkey?

A whooped ass and apparently some people get that everyday from their drunk dads.

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because it's not original at all.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."

I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.

Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

Mom! I think that dad is sleeping.

Mom: No, honey, I killed him.

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was an amazing pilot.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Your mom who?

O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!

Your Da.