Your dad is so fat that when he walks past the TV, I miss three episodes of South Park.
Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?
Her sister is a real Dess-ember!
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
My mom picked my major.
Help! I got my brother pregnant.
How did Donald Trump win Alabama twice?
By declaring that he has a crush on his daughter!
What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
Why do people in Alabama always swipe left on Tinder?
Because they aren't family!
Why does your grandma like gardening so much?
Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees.
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: โNo, Petie, you donโt have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.โ
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
Iโll never forget my fatherโs last words to me just before he died: โAre you sure you fixed the brakes?โ
I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.
I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.
Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!
