What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that lives with the royal family?
Rolls Royce.
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
Why do orphans go to church?
Not because they are religious, because they want someone to call father.
Why are Mexican families so big?
They don’t know how to put a condom on.
My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!
And he's not even left the house yet!!!
As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.
I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.
As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."
After having a win at bingo, Ethel splashed out on some venison for tea.
During the meal, her daughter asked her mum what it was, to which she replied with a little smile... "It's what I call your father."
Little Jimmy threw down his knife and fork and jumped up sayin', "Oh My God! Don't eat it!!! It's a fucking Dick!"
The adoption center threw a party. Why? 'Cause the parents weren't home.
Toast is like parents.
If they are both black, you have nothing to eat.
A blonde starts a new job at a local car dealership when a wealthy gentleman comes in looking for a spacious car for his large family. The blonde is excited as she gets commission, so eagerly shows him the most expensive SUVs.
The gentleman has a good look around before saying to the blonde, "It looks perfect.... But cargo space?" To which she instantly replied, "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, car only for road."
Me when I find my sister's diary: oooooo!
Yo mama so fat I can see where you got in from now.
The only thing drier than these jokes is your mom.
Why didn't the orphan go to the orphanage?
He didn't understand having a home, even if it was temporary.
I was walking down the hallway at my job when I saw a kid crying.
I asked him where his parents were, and he kept crying.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
Why did the orphan go to church?
To hear some "foster" parenting advice.
Your hairline is so far back, just like your dad is from you.
Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?
Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.
Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.
Is it incest if it’s out in the open?
Or is it... outcest?
