Family jokes

My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!

I told my wife I needed a blood transfusion when I could not remember. She said, "Be positive too."

Bad, I am now a ghost writing this.

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

How do you know the baby's dead? The dog plays with it more.

My dad told me "No electronics at the table," so I unplugged my grandma's life support.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

They can't see their parents.

How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.

My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."

What are the last two words you say after sex before going to sleep?

"Goodnight, Mom!"

What has 4 hairy legs and fucks my sister?

Me & my dad!

What's the difference between child abuse and abandonment?

The abused ones are forced to listen while being abused, while abandoned kids cry because they don't have parents anymore.

How did the black woman name her 4 babies?

Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone.

How did she differentiate them?

She called them by their last names.

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

My grandma asked me if I could visit her.

I told her no, I don’t like graveyards.

I can’t watch anime anymore when my friend’s grandpa is in the house.

He hasn’t heard a Japanese person scream since the war.

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

What’s worse than banging your sister?

Having to wear your dad’s wedding ring.

Why didn’t the train kill nine families of four?

Because he had no loco-MOTIVE. AHAHAH

My first football game was a lot like my first time having sex.

I was bloody, sore, and but at least my dad came.

I was kicked out of an orphanage kitchen because I yelled, "Hurry up, some of us have homes to get back to."