Family jokes

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

Q: What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

A: One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

My mom interrupted my gaming session to tell me to hang up the lights.

I hung something else instead.

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

Christopher's Mom said, "One man's trash is another man's treasure."

Turns out Christopher was adopted.

Your mum is so slow, it took her nine months to make a joke.

A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."

I'll never forget my dad's last words before he kicked the bucket: "Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!"

My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

You look like your mom and your dad had a child.

Yo mama is such a slut, she could get slapped by a pack of hot dogs and get pregnant.

In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

Mum: Why are roses red?

Child: Stop, Mum, you never make jokes.

Mum: I made you.

Little Johnny comes down for breakfast because he lives on a farm, and his mother asks if he has done his chores or not.

"Not yet," says little Johnny, so he goes to feed the chickens, cows, and pigs. He ends up kicking the chickens, cows, and pigs and goes inside and asks why he got a dry bowl of cereal. His mother responds with, "I saw you kick the chickens, so no eggs for a week. I also saw you kick the pigs, so no bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cows, so no milk for a week either."

Little Johnny's father comes downstairs and kicks the cats. Little Johnny looks at his mother and says, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

Why are orphans not that good at baseball?

They can never hit a homerun.