Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.
Knock, knock. (Whose there?) Your dad. (But my dads dead.) I know, just reminding you!
Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
You are so intelligent that parents come running to beg you to be their child!
I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.
I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.
A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."
Does a midget count as an orphan?
Why can't orphans walk through doors?
Because they don't have a house to walk into.
When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."
Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.
Dad: Well, how do you know?
Son: I found the adoption papers.
Dad: That is for your mum.
If you know, you know.
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.
My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?
Ohhh, an owner.
It’s like I always tell my kids:
"Two in the pink, one in the stink."
Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!
My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.
I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...
