My cousin really loves baseball.
He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.
Family Jokes
My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.
The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.
It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.
The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.
What’s the difference between video games and my dad?
My dad doesn’t beat me.
What's the difference between MH370 and my dad?
Both disappeared, but one killed 239 people.
Your dad is so fat that when he walks past the TV, I miss three episodes of South Park.
Did you hear about the fire at Noelle's place?
Her sister is a real Dess-ember!
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?
That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.
My mom picked my major.
Help! I got my brother pregnant.
How did Donald Trump win Alabama twice?
By declaring that he has a crush on his daughter!
What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.
My mother-in-law would have been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11.
Had I known in advance, I would have bought her the ticket.
Why do people in Alabama always swipe left on Tinder?
Because they aren't family!
Why does your grandma like gardening so much?
Because she loves getting dirty down on her knees.
I got written up on "Take Your Daughter To Work Day." Apparently, it only applies to daughters who are alive.
