Family jokes
One day, a father was showering, and his daughter ran into the bathroom while he was getting out and drying off.
The daughter curiously pointed to her father's penis and asked, "Daddy, when am I going to get one of those!?"
The father replied quickly, "In about 15 minutes, when your mother leaves for work."
What dating app do people in Alabama use? Ancestry.com.
Our Human Services Minister is just mad because his wife cheated on him 20 years ago.
With their brother.
Yo Momma so hairy, she has to shampoo her armpits.
I think my family is racist.
I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.
I think one of my dads might be gay.
My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.
I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.
What did a man say to his boy?
You are my son.
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?
A: Cum on your cousin's face.
What’s the worst thing about having a sister with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.
What's an orphan's least favorite T.V. show?
Family Guy.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they don’t know what a home looks like.
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"
Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.
Why can't the orphan take a family photo?
Answer: The orphan has no family to take a picture with.