Family jokes
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.
Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.
Alabama's saying: It's not cheating if we’re all siblings.
A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"
His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."
So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"
She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"
The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"
"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.
The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.
"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."
One day, a father was showering, and his daughter ran into the bathroom while he was getting out and drying off.
The daughter curiously pointed to her father's penis and asked, "Daddy, when am I going to get one of those!?"
The father replied quickly, "In about 15 minutes, when your mother leaves for work."
What dating app do people in Alabama use? Ancestry.com.
Our Human Services Minister is just mad because his wife cheated on him 20 years ago.
With their brother.
Yo Momma so hairy, she has to shampoo her armpits.
I think my family is racist.
I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.
I think one of my dads might be gay.
My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.
I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.
What did a man say to his boy?
You are my son.
My Son: "Mummy, why is my name Thomas?"
Me: "Because the night you were conceived, I had a train run on me."
Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?
A: Cum on your cousin's face.
What’s the worst thing about having a sister with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
Do you ever look at someone and think, "You must have been conceived at a family reunion"?
Why do orphans have 363 days in a year?
Because they have no Father's or Mother's days.
What's an orphan's least favorite T.V. show?
Family Guy.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"