eye's jokes
A drunk walks out of a bar late at night and sees a nun walking past on the footpath. He utters something hateful to himself as he begins running, building momentum before launching himself at the nun, catching her with a massive superman punch to the back of the head, knocking her tumbling brutally to the pavement.
He proceeded with a swift kicking to the nun's ribs and spine before grabbing the nun by the scruff of her habit and lifting her limp to her feet till face to face. Looking the nun dead in her eyes with menace, the drunk victoriously growled, "You're not so bloody tough tonight, are ya, Batman?"
1. What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
A dino-snore!
2. What is fast, loud, and crunchy?
A rocket chip!
3. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because she was stuffed!
4. What has ears but cannot hear?
A cornfield!
5. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"
Why do girls scratch their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have another pair of balls.
I have two eyes and am afraid of sex.
A Fortnite player.
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
What does the right eye say to the left eye?
Between you and me, something smells!
Yo mama is so ugly, she is the reason Slenderman has no eyes.
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What is a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!!!!!
We clap when we see you. We clap our hands over our eyes.
What can you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing that you haven't told her twice already.
What's pink, red, and silver and bumps into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
Your face makes onions cry.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that makes your eyes water.
What did one shoe say to the other shoe when they were fighting?
"I wanna sock in the eye so bad!"
A man was walking home but felt tired, so took a short cut through the cemetery. He then heard a tap, tap, then out of the corner of his eye, he saw a man with a hammer hitting the tombstone. The man said, "You scared me. I thought you were a ghost." The other person mumbled, "They spelled my name wrong."
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fffffsshhhhhh
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"