Eye Jokes

90 percent of women kiss with their eyes closed, which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist.

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.

2. You can't count your hair.

3. You can't breathe through your nose with your tongue out.

4. You just tried number three.

5. When you tried number 3, you realized it was possible, only you look like a dog.

6. You're smiling right now because you realized you were fooled.

7. You skipped number 5.

8. You just checked if there was a number 5.

9. This is not my joke; all credit goes to Steps.

A child is determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”

The worst thing about an owl is how they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

A cartoon of a woman driving a car. Above her, the text reads: "Eyes on the road lady. Stop trying to get laid. See these are the people the don't understand speed limits and why car-jacking is illegal." A speech bubble is coming from the woman saying "You know its not as late as I thought maybe you could come up to my place?"

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.

“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

Bet y'all did not know Kobe had blue eyes! One blew east and one blew west.

Me: Tells a racist joke on the internet and no one bats an eye.

Also me: Tells the same joke at KFC and everybody loses their mind.

What did the cops say when someone called him racist?

"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."

God sent a kid to the principal's office for giving a blind kid sunglasses and said, "Don't let the sun damage your eyes!"

What do you call a dear with no eyes?

I have no eye deer!

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

Why couldn’t the orphan find home ?

Didn’t have eyes.

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

Yo mama so dumb, she went to the eye doctor to get an iPhone.

Police Report: Looking for a female, light brown hair, blue eyes, freckles, and a small scar on her right check.

Last seen on CCTV wearing see-through bottoms, a pink top, and a vibrating dildo hanging out of her arse. If you find this woman, please get her to charge the dildo for excessive fun.