Drunk Jokes

I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking. But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

Kid: Mum how do you know someone is drunk? Mum: See the four birds over there Kid: huh, wait a minute. Mum: A drunk person would see eight. Kid: Mum but there is only two.

Indian guy and American guy in a wheelchair met in a Bar for drinks. American guy got drunk and fell on the sidewalk. Indian guy got drunk and walked away.

What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?

A hoedown

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

My mom said i need Jesus in my life, So I drunk up the holy water ;}.

So my dad was drinking so he was drunk and I was sad 😢 but can you be my friend pls

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar, and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks “What’s so magical about it?” the guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. the other tries, but falls of and dies.

The bartender shakes his head, and says.

"Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk superman.

What the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish funeral, one less drunk.

A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video

So i told the officer

I cant even walk when Im sober

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had I said “yes”

Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a viagra, Jill was drunk fell to her knee, Jack had his chance did Jill till 3

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted? Nothing.. wife couldn’t tell.

Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers? She was drunk.

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Question: How was Covid19 born? Answer:Someone fucked batman😂

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia. The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."