Driver jokes

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

Spongebob is yellow, and he can't drive.

Must be Asian.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger Woods had a good driver.

How does a turkey drive a car? He wings it.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

Me dozing off while driving.

Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.

Are you a white van? Because I would love to put children in you.

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!

What car does Hitler drive?

A Fuhrerri.

Every male is expected to pass their driver's test. Paul Walker clearly failed his.

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

There are two Mexicans in a car. Who's driving?

A cop.