Driver jokes

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

Spongebob is yellow, and he can't drive.

Must be Asian.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

How does a turkey drive a car? He wings it.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?

Tiger Woods had a good driver.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!

What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

Every male is expected to pass their driver's test. Paul Walker clearly failed his.

Are you a white van? Because I would love to put children in you.

Me dozing off while driving.

Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

What car does Hitler drive?

A Fuhrerri.