Drive jokes

I had to stop drinking because I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90.

Why are orphans lucky?

Because when they drive, they don’t need a license plate, because they don’t have a home.

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.

He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"

The police officer in London, who used fake Covid rules to arrest a young woman, drive her more than 50 miles out of London in a hire car, murder her, and do whatever to her, has appealed against his Whole Life tariff.

He should be relieved it was only that! Could've been worse... could've married her!

So here’s this funny story, and it’s true.

So my mom has this friend. When this guy was a kid, he was on the school bus, and this Mexican kid checked him into the aisle, so he hits him across the face with a metal lunchbox, and he started bleeding. Then they both get banned from the bus for a few days, so him and his dad drive to the Mexican kids house, and his dad says to the Mexican kids dad “if your kid ever picks on my kid again, I’m gonna come back to this house and kick your ass!”

Q: Why can't Helen Keller drive?

A: Because she's a woman.

What do you call a blind person driving a car?

Died.

Have a child you don't want? Just drop them off at a school they don't know and drive away.

This ole boy picked up this hooker and was getting some head driving down the road, and she started gagging on it a little, and he said, "Oh yeah baby, you like that big dick, don't ya?" and she said, "Oh baby, it's not that, ya asshole stinks!"

On my signal, I would like you to drive onto the pavement (sidewalk) and run over my ex-wife.

Did you walk up Stephen Hawking's drive?

Don’t worry, he didn’t either.

What vehicle does a frog 🐸 drive?

The Beetle!

What did the rapper say when their computer crashed?

"Looks like I just dropped a HARD DRIVE!"

My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.

Why can lesbians not drive cars?

They always strap the wrong thing on.

I had a steering wheel down my pants, and I tell you what, it was driving my balls crazy!

Why was the computer late to work?

Because it had a hard drive!

Say the drive through at McDonald's, order (don't say the sake) but when you get it ask them, "My sake?" and say, "Sake that ass."

Your mum is so fat, when I was driving I had to swerve to avoid [her]. By the time I had finished, I had ran out of gas.