Drink jokes
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
I had a dream of swimming in an ocean of orange soda. I guess it is just a FANTAsea.
Christopher and Tony were tempted for a beer, but they only had 2 dollars each.
Christopher got an idea and ran away to the butcher to see if he could get something good. He came back with a sausage. So they went to a pub and ordered 2 beers and 2 whiskeys.
"Are you crazy?!" said Tony to Christopher. "We don't have any money!"
"Take it easy now," said Christopher. "I have a plan."
When they finished drinking everything up, Christopher put the sausage through his own zipper and begged Tony to bend on his knees and take the sausage with his mouth.
The bartender saw what they did and threw them out without even paying. So Christopher and Tony kept doing the same thing pub after pub after pub.
After the 10th pub, Tony said: "I can't do this anymore. I am drunk, and my knees are in too much pain to even handle the walk."
"How do you think I feel?" said Christopher, exhausted. "I dropped the sausage in the 3rd pub!"
My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.
Jesus was drinking when he made you.
Memes
A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.
Yeah, that was the punchline.
Pass me the sugar, Sugar!
Pass me the honey, Honey!
Pass me the teabag!
Mommy, Mommy! Are we vampires?
Shut up and drink your soup before it clots!
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Why does the orphan drink hot coco with water?
Because his dad never came back with the milk.
What is a duck's favorite drink to sip on? Duck wine.
What do you call a coffee without water? Africano.
Why did the white girl come back from Africa?
Because there was no water for her to drink. I'm black.
Why do people drink Starbucks? Because it's too hot to handle!
It's called Costa Coffee because it's short for "Cost A lot for boiled, rancid dishwater."
Short girl: "How do you see up there?"
Tall guy: "Who said that?"
I spit my drink out and then ran away.
A lady walked into a bar and ordered their special drink. The bartender then gave her a brown glass full of milk. The lady complained about this, but then the bartender said, "Just shut up and swallow!"
What do alien moms like to drink? Starbucks.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
What was King Tut's favorite coffee?
De-coffin-ated.