Downing jokes

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

When I die, I'll let everyone I kept dear lower my coffin into the ground.

So they can let me down one last time.

Yo mamma so fat, when she tried to sit down the chair ran away.

Your mum so fat, she broke the stairs down to the fridge.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

What happens when a frog's car breaks down?

It gets toad away!

Ever noticed that "lol" looks like a person drowning?

Joe mama so fat, when she did the IShowSpeed dance, she fell five floors down.

There was an exam music quiz question about Gary Glitter. Now, if there's anyone you don't want to associate with the phrase "shh, turn over, you've got an hour," it's him.

Shit, my bad. I should leave him alone, he just wants to settle down and have kids.

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street when all of a sudden, Paddy falls down a manhole. Murphy shouts down, "Paddy, is it dark down there?"

Paddy shouts up, "Dunno Murphy, I crnt see a fecking thing!"

Your momma's so fat, when she pulls her knickers down, her ass is still in them.

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are probably built upside down.

Are you feeling down? Because I wanna feel you up.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

How can you get 3 homos to sit on one barstool?

Turn it upside down.

Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.

"Batteries, batteries, who the batteries in your remotes and everything else you got in your house is turned upside down?"

Yo... Kobe, you're going down man. Did you forget the low grade fuel?

What do you call a downy who can't get a girlfriend?

Down bad.

How many emos does it take to fix a light?

I don't know because they never came down.