What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"
What kind of dreams do hotels have?
Suite dreams.
What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What do you call a priest in a room full of naked boys?
A colonoscopy.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
How many Karens does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness.
Nobody notices your pain, tears, struggles, but why do they notice your mistakes?
Nike isn't helpful for suicidal people. You can't tell them to "Just Do It."
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have balls.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass.
Two pedophiles talking to each other:
"Do you got two fives for one ten?"
