DoS jokes
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: You can't find your dog.
What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance.
What do Michael Jackson and the Captain from the Spongebob theme song have in common? They both say "are you ready kids?"
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
Memes
Why do hospitals have fans?
To keep the vegetables fresh and cold.
What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.
What kind of dreams do hotels have?
Suite dreams.
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
Because they don't have balls.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still canโt cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still canโt fuck."
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
How do you make someone in Africa disappointed?
Sing "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head."