Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they’re used to eating nuts.
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
He got so many plastic surgeries that they melted him down into legos and let kids play with him for a change.
What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?
You get a milkshake!
What do you call a terrorist in a kids' swimming pool?
A bath bomb.
I was gonna do a school shooter joke, but it was aimed at younger audiences.
What do you call a blind German?
A notsee.
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit roll up.
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
What do you call the people in the Challenger explosion?
Ashtraynauts.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
Do you know why I wish grass was emo? So it can cut itself.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
What do you call a virgin in Alabama? An orphan.
What do you call a creepy IT teacher?
A PDF file.
What do bees brush their hair with?
A honeycomb.
Why wasn't Michael Jackson admitted to college? He refused to declare a major; he only wanted to do minors.
What do you get when you have an annoying kid, a homicidal kid, and a suicidal kid in the same room? A happy ending.
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.
