Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Kid: Mom, what's dark humor?
Mom: Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap.
Kid: But, mom, I'm blind!
Mom: Exactly.
Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."
Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."
Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."
Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
What do TVs and girls have in common?
They both show you stuff when you turn them on!
What do you get when you cross a panhandler, a politician, a lobbyist, a prostitute, a sodomite, and a Jehovah's Witness knocking on your door at your house to convert you to their religion?
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."
A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.
Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
What does a spy do when he's cold?
He goes under cover.
A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane.
The German sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know?" The German says, "Because it's so cold."
Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Australia." The others ask, "How do you know?" He replies, "Because it's so warm."
Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says, "We are in Mexico." The others ask, "How do you know?" He says, "Because my watch is gone."
What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance.
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
What do you call a high school student?
Alone and depressed.
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: You can't find your dog.
What do a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both carry vegetables.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
