Dont jokes
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
What do food and dark humor have in common? Some people don’t get it.
I don't have luck with other angels.
So I just WING IT!
The thing I don't like about shopping centers...
When you see one, you've seen a mall.
My mom said she will slam my head into my computer if I don't get off it. I'm not too worried though, I think she is just joking.
My autistic son hates taking baths or showers.
I don’t blame him, I don’t like soggy vegetables either.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
What did the green light say to the red light? - Don't look, I'm changing!
What do you get if you cross diarrhea with incest?
I don't know.
Neither do I, but it runs in the family.
Stop making 9/11 jokes. They don't land so well.
Person: I broke my arm in three places.
Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.
I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
Why do French people eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Communists don't play Minecraft.
They play Ourcraft.
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."
I asked a kid at my work where his parents were. He started crying. Man, I don't know what I did. I'll ask another kid at the orphanage.
Why don’t you act like your hairline and kindly take several steps back?
Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!
Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!
Mom: ❓❓❓