Dont jokes
What's the difference between an ISIS militant base and a Pakistani children's school?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.
Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?
A: They tend to crash and burn.
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
I was talking to a beaver about my life. I don't think he really gave a dam about it at all.
Don’t worry if you have a stroke.
You’ll be all right.
You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.
So a woman walked into a bar. There was a man. She went up to him and said, "You're cute." He said, "Yeah, and you don't deserve equal rights."
Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.
I ate the last of my Egyptian food, and now I falafel. I don't know why I made that joke. Probably just becuscus.
What body part do pigs have that humans don’t have?
A hambone.
Why don’t mountains catch colds?
They wear snow caps.
"The only way I'd want to be reincarnated is if I can be reincarnated as a man," said the young woman.
"Why?" said her friend.
"Oh, I don't know, just men are so cool,"
"Is that the only reason?" said her friend.
"Maybe........" said the young woman. "Maybe."
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
Because they don’t know what a home is.
How does the sea say hello?
It WAVES you.
SEA what I did there?
I'm SHORE you saw it.
Don't be SALTY!
Q: Why don't pedophiles win races?
A: Because they like to come in a little behind.
What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?
I don't f**k a sandwich before I eat it.
You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.
Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.
The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.
The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.
Have you ever had Ethiopian food?
Don't worry, neither have they.