Dont jokes

A burglar breaks into a weapons engineer's house, hoping to loot the high-tech arsenal. Suddenly, the engineer yells from upstairs, "Hey! Stop right there!"

The burglar, trying to play tough, screams, "Hands up! I know you've got the goods! Open the armory or I'll shoot!"

The engineer, trembling, cries, "Okay, okay! Don't shoot! I'll give you everything, even my latest prototype!"

The burglar, eyes gleaming with greed, demands, "Prove it! Let me see this fancy new gun first!"

The engineer points to a target range. "It's a plasma blaster," he claims. "Go ahead, give it a shot."

The burglar aims at the bullseye, pulls the trigger, and—BANG!—the gun fires directly into his own chest.

As the thief collapses, the engineer cackles, "Surprise! It's not plasma; it's my new 'Reverse-Recoil Special,' specifically designed for uninvited guests!"

I'm racist.

I don't like green cars.

What's the first rule of Wank Club?

Don't shake hands with anyone else in Wank Club.

Why do people use terms like "sucky" to mean that they don't like something?

If something "sucks," shouldn't that signify that it is at least good for one thing and will bring pleasure?

I don’t think 9/11 jokes are funny... they just crash and burn.

According to the Police report, what did one traffic signal say to the other?

"Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light..."

I don't ignore dwarfs, I just overlook them.

What do you do in India when you need to tell the time but don't have the money for a watch?

You bob your head from side to side like a metronome.

Why don't black lives matter anymore?

Because a harvester is more efficient at picking crops than slaves.

A pair of Newfoundlanders, watching TV, saw endless big-budget advertisements for mass-produced American beer.

One Newfie turns to the other and says, "They say that stuff is the biggest seller in the States, but I don't see what the big deal is." So they buy a bottle, pour it into a plain jar and decide to get an expert opinion.

They send a sample to a lab in St. John's to have it analyzed.

A day later, the lab results come back: "Your horse has diabetes."

I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. My friend's already on stage 4.

I complained to my landlord that carpenter ants were getting into the timbers. He was dismissive.

"They're Karen Carpenter ants, they don't eat much of anything."

A down-on-his-luck Newfoundlander takes a job in Toronto. He hates every minute of it. The housing is overpriced, the traffic a bottleneck. Frustrated, he starts saving every penny until he can buy a car to go home to the outport.

Eventually someone takes pity on him and offers to sell him a car with no reverse for fifty bucks.

"I takes it!" the Newfie replies, "because I don't intends on coming back anyway."

I don't joke about paraplegics; they wouldn't be able to stand up for themselves.

Yo mama's so—oh wait, you don't have one.

When you're sad, don't feel down about yourself. Break a leg, and you'll forget all about it.

I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...

I have no beef with them.

So, this kid told me what high school he was going to and asked me if I thought he would make it in.

I said, "No, they don't have double doors."

Why are transgender people like confused kids?

Because they both don't know what they want to be in life.

Q: What's the best part about working at an abortion clinic?

A: You don't have to buy dog food.