Dont jokes

Why don't amputees ever get cold? They're always wearing their stump warmers.

Why can't orphans open a website?

Because they don't have a home page.

Why can't Paris play chess? Because they don't have their towers (also known as rooks).

Roses are red, violets are blue. Don't touch the beds, they are sticky with white goo.

Why don't you use a dull pencil?

Because there's no point. 😐😑😑

There are some questionable candies out there, such as:

"All I want is a good Blow Pop."

"I don’t even want to know where that Butterfinger has been."

"If you do, you’ll probably end up with tasting the rainbow."

"Nobody wants to bite into an O’Henry."

"Or adopt Three Musketeers."

"Or even end up with a Sour Patch."

When a woman says, "I need to be treated like a delicate flower," don't cut the wrong cord on the bomb.

Why do orphans have a single chip? Because they don't have a full bag.

When you are trying to write a speech about Columbus, don't make a joke that he was on a seafood diet because the audience might think you and Columbus were fat. You know, 'see food, eat everything.'

Q. What's the difference between a CEO and a deer?

A. You don't normally fuck the deer after you've shot it.

What’s the difference between kids and drugs?

I don’t hide drugs in my basement.

A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.

The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"

"Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"

The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.

The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither. It was evolution.

Why don't orphans know how to play baseball? Because they don't know where how is.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked. Orphans don't.

I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.

Why don’t women wear mini skirts in the winter?

Because they’ll get chapped lips.

Q. What's the Premier of Alberta's favorite sex toy? A. I don't know, but I wish it were me.

What did Kobe say to the helicopter?

"Don't crash!"

Kobe: "Don't crash!"

Helicopter: *Crashes*