What did the rapper name his new DOG?
Lil Bark.
A blind man walks into a bar and starts to swing his guide dog around his head. The bartender asks him nervously, "Are you okay?" The blind man replies, "Yeah, I’m just looking around!"
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.
What time do dogs 🐕 get a walk done ✅?
Time to walk with your dog 🐶!
Why did the Orphan punch the other orphan?
Because the orphan broke his leg then had to get a retirement fund, so then he farted and got 1m dollars in cash, so then he started eating his toe jam and thought it tasted really good, so he started selling it to Taco Bell, then ate a cow. All the sudden he was attacked by hangry aliens then gave them some toe jam. They loved it, so they farted there way back up to space where they were eating Harold's fresh toe jam. It was so good, then one of the aliens ate there dog, so had to go the dollar tree to get it out then started gagging on one of the aliens' 2 meter defeater, and then the Orphan made out with the other Orphan and had a wedding at playground sharting happily ever after.
What has a dog?
People.
What is a dog that is awesome? A smart dog.
What do you call a cross between a priest and a child?
The cross shoved up the priest’s ass as he ‘downward dogs’ the kid.
When my dog barks, he gets ruff.
Why is the dog having KFC? Because the dog has no friends.
billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.
I have two things I wanna say:
1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.
2. wtf
Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!
My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.
The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"
Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"
Why did the rapper go to the pet store?
To buy a dog for his bark tracks!
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?
"I'm totally dogging it today..."
What did the dog say when he got its tail caught in the door?
"It won't be long now..."
What do you call a dog that fell into the Porta-Potty?
A Corgi Potty.
A dog found a bone. Then he was walking happily across the street, and he saw a bridge. He decided to walk on the bridge. He saw his reflection and thought it was another dog. Then he barked at him, and the bone fell in the river. The dog said, "What a fool I have been," and walked away.
