Dog jokes

I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"

My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"

What do you get when you cross an atheist an insomniac?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if there's a dog.

When you want to see and smell your ex for the last time, look at a ugly dog, and smell the garbage.

What do you call a dog magician?

Labracadabrador!

What dog can’t see a dog that’s blind?

What should you name a dog without any legs?

It doesn't really matter. No matter what you yell, he's not coming.

Michael Vick is coming to town, hide your dogs!

What do you call a bitch?

You call it a female dog.

What time do dogs 🐕 get a walk done ✅?

Time to walk with your dog 🐶!

Why did the Orphan punch the other orphan?

Because the orphan broke his leg then had to get a retirement fund, so then he farted and got 1m dollars in cash, so then he started eating his toe jam and thought it tasted really good, so he started selling it to Taco Bell, then ate a cow. All the sudden he was attacked by hangry aliens then gave them some toe jam. They loved it, so they farted there way back up to space where they were eating Harold's fresh toe jam. It was so good, then one of the aliens ate there dog, so had to go the dollar tree to get it out then started gagging on one of the aliens' 2 meter defeater, and then the Orphan made out with the other Orphan and had a wedding at playground sharting happily ever after.

What is a dog that is awesome? A smart dog.

What has a dog?

People.

What do you call a cross between a priest and a child?

The cross shoved up the priest’s ass as he ‘downward dogs’ the kid.

Why did the dog go into the fire?

Because it wanted to be a hot dog!

When my dog barks, he gets ruff.

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

Q: How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? A: All the hot dogs taste like shit.

What animal has 5 legs?

A pitbull on a children's playground.