Dog jokes

What do you call a bitch?

You call it a female dog.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

...You can't call it anything. It won't come to you.

I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.

What do you call a dog magician?

Labracadabrador!

A blind man walks into a bar and starts to swing his guide dog around his head. The bartender asks him nervously, "Are you okay?" The blind man replies, "Yeah, I’m just looking around!"

What dog can’t see a dog that’s blind?

My dog once went to Uranus. 🐶🤣🤣🤣

You know, because dogs sniff Uranus? 😂😂😂

What did the rapper name his new DOG?

Lil Bark.

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

What time do dogs 🐕 get a walk done ✅?

Time to walk with your dog 🐶!

Why did the Orphan punch the other orphan?

Because the orphan broke his leg then had to get a retirement fund, so then he farted and got 1m dollars in cash, so then he started eating his toe jam and thought it tasted really good, so he started selling it to Taco Bell, then ate a cow. All the sudden he was attacked by hangry aliens then gave them some toe jam. They loved it, so they farted there way back up to space where they were eating Harold's fresh toe jam. It was so good, then one of the aliens ate there dog, so had to go the dollar tree to get it out then started gagging on one of the aliens' 2 meter defeater, and then the Orphan made out with the other Orphan and had a wedding at playground sharting happily ever after.

What has a dog?

People.

What is a dog that is awesome? A smart dog.

What do you call a cross between a priest and a child?

The cross shoved up the priest’s ass as he ‘downward dogs’ the kid.

When my dog barks, he gets ruff.

billie: hi.

me: You wanna hear a story?

billie: Yes, sure.

me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.

I have two things I wanna say:

1. When people swear, stop taking it so fucking literally. If someone calls you a bitch, they're not calling you a female dog. If they call you a cunt, they're not calling you a woman's private part, they are calling you either an idiot, scaredy cat/baby, or something along those lines, ffs.

2. wtf

My dog stepped on a bee, My child spilt my tea, I drank my hot tea, I broke my bloody knee, Now I'm lying in agony, And I'm devastated with no glee.

(Again, credits to my really funny friend)

What did the female dog say to the mirror?

Hi, bitch!

Yo mama so ugly, she has a sign in her garden saying, “Beware of the dog!”