Dog Jokes

Q: How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how you cut 'em.

The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."

I had sex with my dog once, and my cat hissed at me for not doing her.

This Chinese girl didn't know what a sausage roll was, so I replied, "It's like a spring roll with sausage in it, but not any dog or cat how you have it."

A blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a bar.

The blind guy starts swinging the dog around on the leash.

The bartender yells, "Sir, stop! What are you doing!?"

The blind guy says, "I'm just looking around."

The image shows a phone screen displaying a text conversation. The first message reads "FBI Agent: Do it bro". Followed by the user: "My dog just ran away", "Yah" and "I still have a boyfriend". In between, the FBI agent texts "I'm so sorry to hear that" and "I'm here if you need anything". The last message by the user reads "And I still have my dog."

I don't know why Trump has orange skin but has white around his eyes. So does that mean he is some fucking dog?

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

My dog once went to Uranus. 🐶🤣🤣🤣

You know, because dogs sniff Uranus? 😂😂😂

Me, smashes mouse after losing a match; everybody at the pet race: :O

My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"

When you want to see and smell your ex for the last time, look at a ugly dog, and smell the garbage.

A blind man walks into a bar and starts to swing his guide dog around his head. The bartender asks him nervously, "Are you okay?" The blind man replies, "Yeah, I’m just looking around!"